The teen years are such an interesting and important phase of a kid’s life. They aren’t innocent children running amok around the house, but they also aren’t the wise-decision-making adults we sometimes push them to be. Despite their shocking height and ever-growing foot size, they are still very much — and maybe now more than ever — in need of guidance, rules and good examples to follow. As the mom of a teen, I hover somewhere between providing this guidance and expecting (and hoping with all my might) that what I have done up until this point has been best for my son.
Recently, another mom was telling me how she’d grounded her son for three days for not finishing and, even worse, lying about, a school assignment. I asked her what he had to forgo in his three days of punishment; the usual TV, electronics and dessert came up, but she also told me he was forced to miss a championship basketball game.
What’s interesting is her son is a crucial player on the team — definitely one of the stars — and is depended on by his teammates. Even more interesting, and a bit disappointing: His team lost the basketball game by a close score, thus making everyone wonder if the outcome would have been different if my friend’s son were there to play.
On one hand, I absolutely see why she made him miss the game. Her rules of grounding meant he couldn’t participate in anything he loves — and I give her credit for sticking to her guns.
On the other hand, it makes me wonder if this punishment unfairly affected all the boys on his team, who had worked all season to establish great chemistry, only to have one of their own missing at the most crucial time. These other boys were not guilty, yet they were forced to play without him when they needed him most.
While she needed him to know he couldn’t get away with lying about his schoolwork, I wonder if his responsibility to his team shouldn’t be lumped together with the fact that he simply loves to play basketball.
It’s double-sided situations like these we have to face as parents. They’re not easy decisions to make and it’s important to respect one anothers’ choices because at the end of the day, we make these decisions out of love.
What is your method of discipline? Would you have made your son miss the championship basketball game?
I agree — missing the championship game was, in my opinion, over-the-top. I gotta say though, she might have just snapped. If I have to say “pick your clothes up from the family room floor”, “put your used glass in the dishwasher”, and/or “don’t leave your school stuff on the steps or I will kill myself” one more time…… there’s no telling what I am going to do!!!!!
No I wouldn’t have made my son miss a championship game but I do agree with the three days of punishment…
Would not have made him miss the game but would have added some work around the house.Why punish the team,she was wrong with this punishment.
I usually do the “take away what they love most” punishment, however, I strongly agree with your point too Jenny. With my 13yr old daughter, taking away the phone, is punishment enough. She does however fear consequences- so she’s a really good, rule following kid. My 10yr old son, on the other hand, is defiant, with a capital “D”! He did the same as far as homework. So I did a bith of both- took away his fav things (electronics) and threatened that IF he does it again- I would be speaking to his coach, and he would be benched for his games. Which is worse than not going at all. He would HAVE to show up, HAVE to suit up (hockey equipment is no fun to wear if your not playing) and would have to just sit there….and watch. I have to say, the threat of being benched is more of a punishment than electronics for him bc he has NEVER missed an assigment since!
I think you hit the nail on the head with “we have to respect one anothers’ choices.” Does it matter if I would have done the same thing? Not really. I think we all do the best we can and yes, we will all make mistakes. I am not perfect and I tell my children that all the time. I do have to live with the consequences of my choices, though. Sometimes our decisions affect other people and that is a lesson your friend’s son learned and so did his teammates.
I couldn’t have made my son miss the championship game. Because like you pointed out that’s unfair to the other players that were depending on him. I would’ve found another punishment. But, I do however understand & respect her decision.
In dealing with a behavior issue with my 9 year old last year and ready to take away a big Scouting camping weekend as well as all fun summer activities, I spoke with a counselor who said that taking away positive activities (Scouts, Sports, family vacations) outright is probably not the best choice – that she would get more out of going and participating in those than what she would “learn” by missing out. I did make my 9-year old earn that camping trip and family vacation back (and it wasn’t easy) and took other things (electronics mostly) away until the trust that was broken was earned back.
But, like you mentioned in your blog, it is an individual choice to make and if the parent felt that was the best option at that time, you have to respect that.
Unfortunately, our children don’t come with manuals, and we, like they, are constantly learning how to navigate life.
I would not have made him miss the game because while he may love it, it’s lumped together in the “job” category as far as commitment. It’s no after school club, these sports take as much time as a job. I have an 18 year old high school senior that got into trouble big time and as much money as its going to cost him to fix it, we still want him to go to school and finish. Back in the day he would have been forced to quit and get a job.
Again, I would have let him play, it’s not his team’s fault that he messed up.
When my now twenty year old was fourteen he had gotten into a fist fight at school. To make matters worse it was two days before Christmas break. He was suspended for seven days but because of the break he was off from school for a total of twenty six days. I was so disappointed because we are not those people who solve problems with fists.
I came up with a plan to try and teach him that rather then being a pain on his community he was going to give back to it. So everyday except Christmas Day he had to work somewhere in our community for free. Shovelling snow, painting the Kin-ability Center (a Center for adult with various disabilities), even shovelling poop for farmers. All the while he had to continue with all of his previous obligations including team sports and various clubs. He was not allowed a phone, T.V., or any entertainment.
It was my goal to teach him the consequences of his actions would not be allowed to interfere or disrupt anyone one else’s life.
During that 26 days I had the grouchiest hormonal child I had ever seen on my hands. But he made it and he did learn a valuable lesson. And really so did my other son by watching his brother go through this.
Moral of the story parenting is hard and all we can do is try to show them how to proactively conduct themselves in society. I wish all parents who are dealing with teenagers the best of luck. What works for some would not work for others but it’s good to listen to what other parents would do so you can take some of it and possibly add these methods to your own.
Coincidentally I have also starched this kids close until they stood up because a day after laundry day he had the nerve to yell at me because he didn’t put his laundry out for it to be washed and couldn’t be bothered to run the load himself. It was very therapeutic ironing those jeans until they stood straight. And he never yelled at me about laundry again. Lol good luck everyone.
I feel punishment should be individualized depending on the crime and the child. What if basketball was part of the reason for his incomplete assignment and lying? If so, I definitely believe he should not have been allowed to participate in the game. On the other hand, if basketball was not to blame; I believe the child should have kept his commitment to the team. I am very sure the child knew he would have consequences for his actions but chose to take the risk. As a parent, I believe punishment should be stiff enough to make the child not want to make the same choice the next time he faces a similar moral dilemma.
I absolutely do not punish my kids by making them miss their games and it makes me crazy when other parents do this. When they sign up to be on a team they are making a commitment to that team and the team depends on them to be there and they should stick to that commitment no matter what else is going on. There are plenty of other ways to discipline them.
We took away my son’s favorite things/toys (age appropriate). School related, no. He was the youngest boy in his school to go to the computer bowl in high school. That would not have been included in punishment.
I wouldn’t have made my kid miss a sporting activity. I think the benefits of those type of activities outweigh the any positive of taking them away. I have always felt that way. I think that equal, often better results can come from taking away electronics, the phones, tablets, laptops and such. That’s my go to threat with my kiddos, and it usually works. 🙂
Team sports are off limits to me for punishment. It isn’t fair to punish the entire team, especially for a championship game that they’ve worked so hard all season to get to.
Growing up on a farm in Wisconsin, we learn a right from wrong, how to treat one another, listen to our elders, and most importantly for every action…….there is a some result. We learned ALL that before we left 5th grade. In this case I feel the mother went overboard on the punishment because I feel she may have let him down raising him somewhat.
Each to their own but i wouldn’t have done that. That championship is a memory for life, a memory he could share with life long friends. Over time, he may resent this action and it’s desired effect may lead to other behavioural problems or damage bonds. Better ways to discipline, better ways to educate.
Our method of discipline is to take away a trigger such as electronics for a period of time. http://www.rebeccakrusee.com
Great question, Jenny. I’m honestly not sure what I would do (exactly), but I probably wouldn’t have had him miss the champion game. I think I’d give him a grace card for that one and pray the other part of the discipline makes a big enough statement.
The most important thing in discipline is that we’ve already established a strong, loving relationship with our teen. Rules without relationship equals rebellion. Just like loving with zero rules is bad news too.
Listen, my latest book, a true story about a little boy with autism who has been to heaven, releases in print this year. I know this is probably completely unorthodox to even mention here… but I would love to show it to you. It highlights a gripping and powerful spiritual experience, and I feel its truth will hug you up and down in a big way. Btw, thanks for speaking out about what you believe. God bless you!