Today on my SiriusXM radio show “Dirty, Sexy, Funny,” we talked about some signs of toxic relationships. I think we’ve all been there — in those friendships and relationships that, after a while, make you wonder why you continue to invest yourself and your time in them. Some of us might actually be experiencing toxic relationships right now; the good news is that there are warning signs to look out for, so you can get out before you get sucked in too far.
• If someone is giving you backhanded compliments, they aren’t showing you the respect you deserve. We all deserve to be given genuine, nice compliments.
• Does your relationship feel one-sided? No one wants to be with someone who only comes around when they need something — relationships are a two-way street.
• Jealousy is the worst thing to experience in a relationship. Along with jealousy come controlling behaviors and mistrust — and none of those qualities should be welcomed or tolerated in a healthy relationship.
• Never keep score. Are you and your partner constantly trying to one-up each other, or prove each other wrong? A little friendly competition is fun at times, but it shouldn’t consume your entire relationship.
• Are you still being yourself? It’s possible to get so wrapped up in someone that you start to lose your own personality or identity. In order to have a successful relationship, you also need to stand out as individuals.
I think Lynne Koplitz, a comedian on my “Dirty, Sexy, Funny” tour, put it best when she said that there are three types of relationships: perennials, annuals and weeds. In order to have happy, healthy relationships, we need to focus more on the perennials in our lives and toss out the weeds. As hard as it can be, it can also be extremely refreshing to sort through the people in your life in order to keep yourself happy.
What are some other signs of a toxic relationship, or how do you keep your own healthy? Tweet me @JennyMcCarthy.
Boosting each other’s ego seems to work WONDERS!!!! Especially for your man! The more you “stroke his EGO”, The more they seem to appreciate you!!! At least from my experience!
Jenny I want a perfect relationship like yours and Donnie’s. Any suggestions. I love you and your sense of humor same with Donnie. He is my favorite NKOTB
I totally agree!! Jenny you & Donnie do have the cutest marriage. You can really tell that you both are in love!
Thank you this makes so much sense ?
I truly believe that the people the come into our lives are around for a reason and it is in us to want to help and support them. However, two of the many lessons my grandmother taught me was knowing the difference in the people we interact act with using a tree as an analogy: so knowing your roots, your branches and your trees. By identify each person’s purpose allows you to better understand the dynamic of your relationship and also manage your expectations. The second lesson was that “my” self worth should not change regardless of whom I am in a relationship with. We all compromise in our relationships but it should not be to the point that we lose our own identity for the sake of the relationship. Just like each season has an end some relationships (leaves or weeds) do have to end for the benefit of both parties.
Cheers Tray
Well here I am again. I was with my boyfriend for a year and half, best relationship I have been in. Respectful, communication, loving, caring, fun same music likes, same sense of humor, fucking awesome then he just ended it. Crazy. said he was feeling numb, crazy work schedule etc. I said I understood and we planned on getting back together for July 4th, month later. Longest month ever. He came over I made dinner, we talked listened to music, laughed. He left. We started meeting as friends every Sunday for eight months. Went to the beach and had lunch. I told him about my dates eventually we got back together. Amazing again, he completely courted me and eventually got my trust back and, here it is, six months later he did it again. Doesn’t know why he doesn’t feel it anymore but he broke up with me last night. So so fucking hard not to text or call him. I want to put your one month to the test and see if he comes crawling. I would tell him to go crawl into a pile of shit but our connection is so crazy good. I know he sounds like a prick but he is trying and has been going to therapy. His mom left him when he was 5. It’s like when it gets to that level of comfort he gets out before he has the chance to get hurt. Love love your show. I am a loyal Howard fan always will be but so nice to get an honest woman on there. The others try but not even close. The one after you has such annoying voice always sounds like she is depressed. And yes I watch your show. My brother was autistic, year older than me so we were very close. I am from Ireland btw.
I would say another sign of a toxic relationship is if every time you are spending “quality time” together, the other person is distracted by something else, ie. texting someone else, Facebook, etc. Obviously the other person does not find your relationship important enough if they choose to have a conversation with someone else or check their Facebook posts when you have set aside time to be together.
Not even Jenny and Donnie have a perfect relationship, but they may have better communication skills that enables them to be happier than most couples and as long as you look for a ” perfect” relationship, they will never live up to your expectations and they may very well fail. I know, I used to think there was a perfect relationship. No such thing.
Here’s a money making idea where you can help all relationships lol Relationship advise classes with activities I’d so sign up and bring my big lug ?
Hey Jenny,
Missed the show last night.
I am not the greatest when it comes to relationships, but i always seem to give others advice, after 10 years of getting out of a toxic relationiship i sometimes after remember i have a great son out of it. My relationships are very few and i try to select friends and relationships wisely because my son is my life. I am very old school and expect to be treated with respect, honor and loyalty in a relationship and i have learned that relationships take work and care to be successful.
My friends and love ones say it takes time to find the one. Some who i thought was the one was not at all. Its really sad but the one i want, has know interest in me what so ever. say la vee. He only pays attention when he’s on tour! ring a bell!!!???and its not Danny.. Anyway the cats out of the bag Lol..
xoxo.
Jenny
Great article Jenny! Donnie seems like a great guy and you guys seem really happy! About the jealousy part… would Donnie still let you get a massage from me? Ya know, it’s been like… 8 years!
Hi Jenny! Wish you would come to Canada with your show. ..would love the opportunity to see you live.
My comment/question is how do you kniw if tge relationship you’re in is the “rebound” or the real thing? I was on a 13 year relationship with an alcoholic that was really rough. I’ve been single for a year and just started dating again…I met a great guy…a good guy fir once. .but he’s already using the L word after only 2wks of dating. I want to bolt as my first instinct but am trying to figure out how I do feel…if anything? Any tips or advice?
Very well said you hit every point !
Wow. I can’t believe I saw this post scrolling through Facebook today. Seems like it was meant for me. I’m struggling with a relationship right now that I have been in for a long time and it is absolutely draining me. I am not even sure who I am anymore. I am ready to stand up for myself and pull this “weed” out of my life for good! It’s a little scary to think of starting over and he makes me feel like it’s all my fault so I really need some encouragement and this seems like a little sign ! Bring on the round-up!
I follow the Corinthians as a guide
1 Corinthians 13:4-8New International Version (NIV)
4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
Dawn
My husband and I will celebrate our 42nd wedding anniversary on New Years Day. I always turn to the b ook of Corinthians for strength. I find this is a good marriage m as manual. Seems to be working fine so far. I will say no one has a perfect marriage
This book is crammed with conflict resolution,forgiveness and most of Love.
Peace
Deb (Jenny McCarthy blog follower).
Had an ex husband who put me threw eight years of extreme abuse. Fine was able to get away. Said i would never marry again. Met someone….the someone a year after my divorce. He was 19 and i 27. Thought it would bever last. . ..been together for 7 years now. He just asked ne to marry 4 days ago. He make he so beautiful. Compliments my figure. Kiss every piece of me. I have never in 7 years ever doubted him for a minute. He never look anothers direction, always had made me feel like the only one. He has taken my daughter from marriage in as his own. He raised her since she was 5. She is 13 now. We also have a 5 year old together. I never had to chnage me….not one time. Not my clothes, my sense of humor, or my attitude, bitchiness in all. How in the hell did i get so lucky. I am truly blessed. My best advice is to see a counselor you both like and see them together and separately at least once month when things are good. My new fiance and i have been seeing our same counselor for a least 5 years now. It has done wonders. I know the saying “dont fix it if it aint broken”, but you sure can maintenance it to keep it strong so it doesnt break.
I so needed to read this. I have been in my current relationship for over 5 years and honestly feel a lot of those things, yet I still love him. Time is such a hard thing to just throw away. I wonder sometimes if I get appreciated enough cause I work full time and then part time helping my friends dad with Dementia Alzheimers disease. I am the only one that cleans the house and have to constantly remind him to at least help me. He has time to do it…I just want a day away to think now…Ugh……..
My husband and I have been married for 12 years. He is not only my husband but my best friend. I agree wholeheartedly with all of these points. Love you and donnie you guys rock.
I’m currently in one toxic relationship. I’ve been with a guy that hurts me all the time, and I don’t understand why is so hard for me to leave the relationship! Please help me, I feel like I’m worth noting
Thank you for this ! You have inspired me to make this the year of me ❤️ It’s time to put myself first and rid the toxicity in my life … Now I am 8 months in and it feels calm and stress free ❤️ Thank you Jenny !!!
Toxic hit me hard as my dtr married into a toxic drug laddened no moral family . All that she was heading for , that we raised her as ,,, gone ! Now I’m pushed away as she realizes her path she had headed down and came to me with her complaints about this family . As a mother I tried to help , being honest with her but trying not to disrespect that family and her spouse. Well now I’m the bad guy. Got ripped to shreds by her and now we don’t talk , haven’t seen my new granddaughter but once . My dtr stole from us and yet I invite her back to see her grandparents who came to visit so she could introduce her dtr to great grandparents and I’m a shit cuz she had conditions for me if they came to the house and I expressed to her that I have no control over anyone but my self ! Talk about toxic ! I am so heart broken but I need to pull out ! As she has infected me with sadness anger and pain beyond belief, and I know I’m doing the right thing for my self ! I pray a lot and hope that the future will bring good change . Thanks Jenny for this article . Not sure what I did to deserve this but I’m a survivor and have faith !!!
MMMMmmm toxic relationship – where do I start. I have been in a marriage for 25 years. I have not slept with my husband in over 15 years and we sleep in separate rooms. We are more like roommates than husband and wife. Financially I could not leave as I was trying to put my sons through college and the debt from everything else meant we needed both of our incomes to survive. 10 years ago I started a relationship with a guy (10 years younger than myself). I was his rock – I supported him emotionally and physically. I never felt good enough for him – my self esteem was shot when we have had sex and not once have I been naked. Always partially clothed. I would tell myself – I married so this is the way I would be treated – like a nobody. I booked a weekend away (on his instructions), only to be stiffed with the bill and he couldn’t go. He was laid off work for months and I will go over and give him emotional support and try to get him on his feet and help in any way I could to find him a job when I needed just as much support as I was lonely and depressed but none of that mattered. He got back on his feet, back into a great job and I helped close the deal to purchase his new home (he slept while I dealt with the real estate agent that went on late into the night). He kept telling me the move would be great – I could spend more time with him (more than the usual hour or so) and then the day of the move – he didn’t want me around in case his family showed up.
My friend died of cancer last year – I was by her side throughout her illness (a 1 ½ drive from where I lived). He was never once by my side when I needed his support and when she died. He has crushed me over and over again but still I go back. Let’s face it – I’m a 52 year old woman – who else is going to want this? I have nothing to give – the looks and body are gone (which is obviously apparent as I have sex partially clothed), financially I have nothing. May be I deserve everything I have got, after all I as I am still married. Yes, I know the relationship is toxic but when you are lonely and sad you put up with many things
I believe that the people we encounter in life do all have a purpose to our story, good or bad. We should learn from hose relationships and if something doesn’t seem right, it probably isn’t. I have had toxic relationships with men, friends and family. I have learned to alter those relationships in ways that I am taking the positive parts and not focusing on the negative. I can then maintain those relationships in a different way that is not harmful to me.
What if the toxic relationship you are in is with a co-worker?
It’s a frustrating situation. We never know what mood this person is going to be in on a daily, sometimes hourly basis! I feel like I’m living with a teenager and she’s in her 30’s. I’m too old to deal with this high school crap.
It makes me uneasy, sad, and even mad at times because I could be having a great day and she walks in and the whole mood changes.
I can’t wait for the 3-day weekend… 🙁
I lived in the weeds for 21 years of backhanded compliments, mean spirited teasing, neglect just to name a few. Longer you’re in, the more complacent you become and think it’ll change. Newsflash! It doesn’t! Get out the weedwhacker and get to work! I did and I now have found a man that honors and adores me, we have our own brand of stupid silliness that keeps the love ablaze…getting married next summer! Luckiest girl on Planet Earth!
Very good subject today. In life we experience toxic relationship. Having the courage to make a change is very difficult, but it can be done.
Note the hazards discussed in the steps, above, including poisonous plants, insects, and other dangers. Be careful not to damage desirable plants while pulling the weeds.